I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
