vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i've created a new STD.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
