Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
