"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
