I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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