I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My vagina is very pro this idea
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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