I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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