Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
