I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
