My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
