i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
