i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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