I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
