i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I need to align my fucking chakras
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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