I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
