On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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