he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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