I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
