I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
