Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
