so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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