I was born with a shot glass in my hand
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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