i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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