whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
