sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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