I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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