Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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