i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
