I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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