Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
