Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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