My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
