hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
