My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Randomize
