I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
