in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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