that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
