Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just got carded by a ten year old.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
