the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
