Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
