just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
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i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
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We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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