I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
