I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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