I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
