i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
