i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
