Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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