M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
