Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
