His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
