So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
