Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
