Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
