lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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