Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
