Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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