I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
