turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
