when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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