I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize