my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
