Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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