tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
