Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize